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Politics and War


Ben Gurion's address

Ben Gurion is addressing the first ever meeting of the Israeli cabinet. After going through a long list of ministerial appointments he says 'We will need a minister for the colonies.'

'But why?, they all reply, 'We have no colonies.'

'We have no money either, but we have a minister for finances!


ben gurion alloquitur concilium novum israeliticum.

'nobis'inquit, 'opus est ministro coloniarum.'

'quidnam? nobis non sunt coloniae!'

'quidni? nobis est minister argentarius!'


In the war

In the Jewish Palestinian war a platoon of Jewish soldiers was surrounded by a much larger Arab force. Their officer is asked by a war correspondent how he thinks they can overcome the enemy force.

'We will overcome because God, as usual, will come to our aid!'

'And if he doesn't?'

'Then we will need a miracle!'


belli libertatis manus Judaicus a sescentis arabis circumdatus est. diurnarius americanus telephonice eos rogat quem ad modum hostes superaturi sint.

'superabimus quod deus, ut adsolet, subueniet.'

'quodnisi?'

'nisi subveniet deus, opus erit miraculo!'


The history conference

A Jewish historian is addressing a conference on WWII.

He surprises the audience by saying 'there is no doubt the Germans lost because of Jewish generals.'

The audience scoff, 'But the Germans didn't have Jewish Generals!'

'Exactly!'


scriptor rerum gestarum judaicus congressum de bello secundo alloquitur.

'non dubium est quin allemani propter duces judaicos victi sint.

'atqui allemanis non erant duces iudaici!'

'ita prorsus.'

(There was in fact a half jewish German General:Erhard Milch, and many thousands of mixed race German Jews who had no choice but to fight in other capacities for the Wehrmacht.)



The Knesset

Israel is suffering from a devastating period of inflation. Even with American help the shekel plummets in value. Little Jewish boys and girls have taken to making kites out of bank notes, and people are queuing up with wheel barrows of shekels to buy bread.

The prime minister and the leaders of all the main parties having spoken it is the turn of the leader of one small faction.

'The strongest currencies are the German Mark and the Japanese Yen, and those countries were beaten in the war! While the pound, the dollar and the franc are weak. I suggest we declare war on America, and after we have been defeated we can join the club of the defeated nations with strong currencies.'

This oration is followed by a stunned silence, and then a voice from somewhere in the chamber says 'but, what if we win?


Israel discrimine pecuniario vastatus est. non obstante auxilio americano nummus shekel debilitat. primo ministero deinde ducibus omnium partium locutis, unus factio superest.

'totius orbis terrae negotio imperant marcus germanus et yen japonicus qui in bello secundo victi sunt! dum victorium libra, dollarium et franc infirmi sunt. moneo ut civitatibus foederatis bellum indicamus, quo victi sodalitati superatorum locupletium iungamur.'

qua oratio confecta totum silentium est in comitia, donec in longiquo parte curiae dicitur 'sed, tamen quidsi vincemus?'


 

Rabbis


The Rabbinical School

A young man, who had decided to become a rabbi, went to a rabbinical School and asked a rabbi what he should do.

The rabbi told him to climb up on the roof and stand on one leg, and to do the same every day for a week.

A week later he asked the rabbi what he should do next.

'Go home! No one that stupid could ever be a rabbi!'


iuvenis quidem, cum constituisset fieri rabbinum, ad scholam iit sententiae rabinni rogandae causa.

a quo iubetur in tecto ascenso, pede altera nisus, stare. quo semel facto etiam atque etiam iussus est facere usque septimo die.

quo die magister rogatus num pergendum sit dixit 'non ita, enim non potest fieri ut aliquis tam stultus rabbinus fiat!


The Cake

Two rabbis are invited to tea at the house of a wealthy lady of consequence. They spend their time in disputing the Talmud, and only break off when the guest brings a plate with two slices of cake of clearly different sizes.

Rabbi Shlomo doesn't hesitate to start devouring the larger of the two slices, and Rabbi Meyer, left with the smaller, and not wishing to cause a scene in a respectable house, says nothing.

When they leave rabbi Meyer reproaches rabbi Schlomo for taking the larger slice.

But, you, 'replies Schlomo, if you had taken the first slice and not I, which one would you have taken?

The smaller one of course.

Well then, you had the smaller one. So what's the problem?'


duo rabbini inviti ad theam bibendam apud matronam opulentam tempus agebant in talmud disputando. finem disputandi fecerunt ubi hospes patellam cum duobus placentis magnitudine aperte dissimilibus in mensulam deposuit.

rabbino shlomo maiorem capere et devorare haud haesitabundo, rabbinus meyer se moderatus est ne quid diceret.

cum discessissent rabbinus meyer rabbinum shlomo, quod maiorem sustulisset, lacessavit.

'sed tu,'respondit shlomo 'si primus cepisses, quam partem cepisses?'

'minorem partem, scilicet.'

'bene habet. itaque minor tibi fuit! quid incommodi est? in quo est difficultas?'


When to Pray

'rabbi, can you tell me why we should pray every day?'

'Actually, the important thing is to pray the day before you die.'

'But it's impossible to know that you are going to die the next day.'

'Exactly!'


'rabbine, explicarene potes quem ad rem quotidie precandum sit?'

'immo, maximi momenti est precari pridie quam morieris.'

'sed quomodo sciam quando moriturus sim?'

'ita prorsus!'




 

Heaven


Daryl Zanuck in Heaven

The great director Daryl Zanuck, is received in heaven by the archangel, who reads out a message from the Almighty.

'Welcome to heaven. As a supporter of the arts I would like to produce a film with you as director, here in heaven. You can have any great musician to write the score, for example Mozart. You can have your choice of writer since the beginning of time, and to design the sets how about Van Gogh? And as for actors, you name them. Zanuck can scarcely stop himself from crying with joy, as he thanks God.

'There is just one more thing',continues God. 'I have a beautiful blonde waitress sat next to me who I think would be perfect as your lead. She's got no experience but is very keen to make it in Heaven. What do you say?


magnus cinematographus Daril Zanucus cum ad superum venisset a archangelo excipitur, qui recitat nuntium dei.

'gratus sis in caelo. utpote fautor artis te rogo ut pelliculam singularem in caelo facias. musicae scribendae causa mozart, fabulae causa quemcumque auctorem, scaenarum causa van gogh vel da vinci habere potes. etiam actores optimos defunctos.

zanuck vix se continere valens quin lacrimet deo gratias penitus agit.

'sola' pergit deus, 'condicio est. virginem ingeniosam iuxta me habeo cui partem maiorem dari desidero.


The Tennis Players

Two old observant Jews play tennis daily, except of course on the Sabbath. As old men they worry whether they will be able to play tennis in heaven. One of the two having died, appears to the other in a dream, saying 'I've got good and bad news. The good news is that tennis is all the rage in heaven. The bad news is you're my partner in the doubles next week!'


duo senes athletici religiosique quotidie (praeter scilicet die Saturni) teniludium ludebant etiam si flabat aut pluebat.

utpote senectute provecti sua interest utrum in caelo luditur teniludium annon.

Tandem, unus duorum mortuus, amicum de caelo allocutus est.'fortuna anceps utiris. teniludium floret inter angelos, infeliciter, tamen, tu mihi socius erit in certamine duplice hebdomade proximo!


Herrings in Heaven

A rabbi dies and goes to heaven but is dissapointed to be served a plate of herrings at dinner. After several days his disappointment increases when he sees down below in hell the damned enjoying a delicious feast.

'What's going on?' he asks an angel bringing him his plate of herrings 'Here in heaven I eat rubbish while in gehenna they eat like Lords!'

The angel, slightly ashamed says 'Rabbi, to be honest, it's not worth preparing quality food for only two people!'


rabbinus quidam mortuus cum ad caelum pervenisset, animo demisso vidit sibi patellam aringorum et theam apponi.

post aliquot dierum demissio sua auget cum in inferno longiquo damnatos dapibus opulentis frui videat.

ratus ut causam rei cognoscat, angelum cibum portantem interrogat. 'Quid rei est? hic in coelo arengos edimus dum in inferno ut reges edunt.'

cum risu ad modum pudico angelus respondit, rabbine, ut vera prorsus dicam, non operae pretium est cibum bonum pro duobus tantum parare.'



 

Miscellaneous


The Student and the Austrian Officer

A Jewish religious student finds on boarding a train that the only compartment is occupied by a fierce looking officer of the Austrian army. The student sits down nervously opposite the officer who starts a conversation.

'You jews are said to be very crafty. Do you wish to play a game of riddles?'

'If Sir wishes.'

'I will make it easy for you. You will pose me a riddle, and if I can't solve it, I will give you six marks. If you, however, fail to solve my riddle, you need only give me one mark. Agreed? Good, tell me your riddle.'

The student thinks a little then asks 'what flies through the air and speaks Hungarian?'

The officer thinks for a moment then concedes, hands over six marks and asks 'so what does fly through the air and speaks Hungarian?'

The student says 'I don't know either. Have one mark back.'


legatus austriacus in curro ferriviario sedens spectat dum discipulus judaicus trepide aversus eum consedit. cui aliquid in animum subit. 'judaici perdolosi esse dicuntur. 'visne ludo aenigmatico ludere?'

'si vis.'

'facile tibi id faciam. ego primus divinans, si non divinavero, sex asses tibi dabo; contra, si tu non divinaveris, solum assem mihi dabis. constat? ita, dic mihi aenigmam.'

discipulus paulo reputat deinde rogat 'quid aerem pervolat et lingua hungarica loquitur?'

legatus breve ratus concedit. sex assibus traditis dixit 'hoc tempore vicisti. sed quid aerem pervolat et lingua hungarica loquitur?'

'nesciens etiam ego, vincor. ecce as.'

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